And so it happened, she released me from my egoic prison.
28 years of struggle served it’s purpose.
I was free, Mother Ayahuasca showed me what I needed to know and I will never be the same.
I released a lot.
This is the follow up to my article I wrote in March when I was a different person. read that here
This is going to be a long but very worth while, mind expanding and pleasurable experience for you as the circuitry in your mind realizes you are in the right place at the right time as you continue to read these words. The more you continue to read the further you become disconnected from all distractions allowing your mind to fully relax. You are now realizing that you are meant to read this entire article.
You are the key, Not just the Ayahuasca.
May the following personal experience provide you a deeper understanding on what can be done towards full self actualization in your human existence and set you free.
A lot of people will die in this world and never fully tap into the unlimited power directly available to them as a human creator and that is sad.
Just as sad is the fact that many people will try Ayahuasca and will not receive the blessings of it’s downright magical healing power due to lack of preparation and knowledge. That being said it’s important to understand this ancient medicine before truly experiencing what she has to offer humanity. This article will provide you valuable insight down to every last word. By the time you are finished reading, something special will have occurred within you.
Ayahuasca has traditionally been passed down over the centuries among the indigenous people of Central America. It is a combination of plants found in the rain forests of Central America and carefully brewed under shaman supervision to ensure the purity of the energy within the Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca should only be administered under the guidance of a true shaman who has apprenticed under an indigenous shaman of Central America.
Though this ancient concoction contains naturally occurring DMT, it is not in anyway, shape or form a drug. Ayahuasca is a natural medicine provided by our very own planet. It is through the spirit of our Mother Earth Gaia that we are healed.
Preparation For The Journey
It’s a very special thing when you are fortunate enough to receive an invite to a truly native Ayahuasca Ceremony. I was extremely privileged to hold space with roughly fifty other divinely chosen individuals to share in Ayahuasca under the guidance of a well recognized shaman native to Columbia. The ceremony is done the way it has been done for centuries and keeping the lineage intact is very important.
A wise old shaman once said: “Mother Ayahuasca is a jealous lover.”
She is going take you somewhere if you allow her the space she needs to do her work. One of the best ways to make space for this spirit is to cut out any other spirits for at least one week prior to the ceremony. After researching online for different perspectives on the matter I decided to give up all mind altering substances (yes that includes marijuana) and maintain 99% vegan diet while fasting with just one green juice the morning of.
For those who do not prepare their mind, body and souls to meet with Mother Ayahuasca, they tend to have a more difficult time. In order to heal and purge the soul of that which does not serve, it must be brought to the surface and it can be ugly and painful. The less junk in yo trunk the smoother will be your connection to spirit and the healing that is to come forth.
Personally I would recommend preparing with proper exercise for the body specifically the week prior. I was doing a lot of yoga and qi gong daily leading up to the ceremony. I found the exercise, the clean diet and sobriety really has a way of cleansing your mind body and soul even with out the Ayahuasca.It is also recommended to continue these disciplines up to two days after as the spirit of Mother Ayahuasca will stay with you working within you and its best not to interfere with unhealthy food or other spirits (intoxicants).
Declaration of Intent
It’s very important to set an intention when utilizing plant medicines. Truthfully that goes with all substances including food. Through setting an intention behind using plants, medicines, food and even drugs you develop clarity in the purpose behind your actions, it brings about expansion of consciousness and heightened awareness as you engage the substance. Taking drugs, alcohol or anything for that matter without an intention leaves you open for anything to happen. Rogue energy can come from anywhere and we are much more susceptible to outside energies when in these heightened states of consciousness.
With Ayahuasca specifically you would do well to understand why you are receiving this medicine and what would you like to heal, All while letting go of any and all expectations. A wise woman I met at the ceremony told me that even if you are a veteran of Ayahuasca, the truth is you have no idea until you get there what type of experience you are destined to have. The ego knows nothing; release expectations and set a healthy intention.
Through setting your intention you are giving a clear message to the universe of your divine purpose behind your action of taking the medicine. That way the spirits that work behind it can better assist you during your experience.
Here is my intention straight out of my journal only a few hours before accepting Ayahuasca.
“The sun is setting as I am sitting on this beautiful dock watching the current of the river drift by me. I have no expectation but the intention to heal and release that which does not serve me once and for all. I hope to be free, finally. I don’t want the ego calling the shots in my life anymore. I’ve worked so hard, I deserve to be free. I just want to love openly, no fear, no ego. I can be pure love as my essence, no more reservations.
Open me up Mother Ayahuasca, Please heal me, show me the way, lighten my heart. May I never be the same. A man in a kayak paddled by and said hi… May unconditional love flow from my heart like an endless river of abundance. I have so much love to give this world that needs it so much, but through all the pain and suffering that valve has never been fully open.
My intention for tonight… let that valve open and leave it open for eternity. I am love, I will love, I will heal. Open me up, enable the shine to pour through into the hearts of my fellow humans, fully free. free, free, free to fly. I am born to fly. There is still so much life left, so much to give.
Mother Ayahuasca please release me from my ego.”
The Ayahuasca Ceremony Begins
A circle of people around a fire, men on one side, women on the other.
I made my sacred space within the circle with pillows and blankets and surrounded my space with crystals, about 20+ of them that had just been gifted to me only a few hours before. I learned some lessons of abundance during this experience 🙂
The men were summoned first to drink, the line took some time as the Shaman stayed present with every person as they went to receive the medicine. As I waited in line I was praying to the spirits to guide me. I wasn’t exactly nervous but was definitely a little uneasy about inviting this unfamiliar essence into my body for the first time.
The entire time I held in my left hand both a blue and green stone. Lapiz Lazuli and Malachite, both gifts from a dear friend representing the Archangels Micheal and Raphael who I’ve become much more accepting of their existence in my life. Talking to angels can be a hard one to accept, It was for me. What I’ve learned is who or what-ever they are, they got my back.
As I reached the Shaman I indicated that it was my first time, he very intensely looked into my eyes before filling the small glass with an extremely thick brown gooey liquid. He blessed it, blew sage smoke onto it three times and presented it to me to drink.
I held the Ayahuasca to the sky and said to myself a prayer to all the spirits with me that night to protect me and lovingly show me the way to do what needed be done to finally set my spirit free.
I opened my throat wide and slammed it like a shot as best as I could but the Ayahuasca slowly oozed down the side of the glass taking it’s sweet time with the most horrible taste you will ever experience in your life, hands down, down my throat.
I went to lay down and within 10 minutes the sound of people puking became a regular thing all around me. Next the women were summoned to drink and by the time they were finished I was very used to the beautiful sounds of my brothers and sisters releasing and purging that which does not serve them.
Within about 45 minutes to an hour after drinking the Ayahuasca I felt absolutely fine. This is where my ego was becoming a little too proud of itself. I noticed my mind began to judge the others who were throwing up so soon. I was guilty of thinking thoughts that would deem me as being almost better than them because I had prepared my mind, body and soul so well. Silly thoughts to the tune of: “I’m just so divine cause I do yoga everyday and eat really healthy and quite frankly I’m just to pure with white light to throw up…”
Yeah right, I’m not better than anyone and Mother Ayahuasca had some work to do on my soul.
Mother Ayahuasca, Not what you’d expect
As I layed there I became ever so more present of this growing warmth from within side myself. Things were beginning to feel psychedelic, the body high I was experiencing was some form of amplification of my own internal energy or vibration. I felt this energy growing in its intensity pulling on me from the base of my spine and upward through the top of my head.
As the intensity grew a dialogue began to play in my head, speaking to me, making sense to me, holding a conversation with me and that is when I realized it wasn’t me that was talking at all. It may have been my voice but it was coming from beyond me. It was the Spirit of Ayahuasca and she was speaking directly to me, gently guiding me closer and closer towards something I didn’t know what. I was definitely about to go somewhere.
My ego resisted, as the light poured into my body and gently lifted my spirit upwards.
I became aware of the ego grasping onto my soul for it’s dear life. It felt like a deep muck that had always been clinging to me my entire life like a bag of bricks. The spirit was doing it’s work to clean out the impurities, separating my soul from this muck, slowly but surely, allowing my soul to rise as the muck would begin to sink. The energy became stretched out into a thin cord of energy from my base up through my spine and out beyond my crown. It was as if a game of tug of war was being waged on my soul between spirit and ego, light and dark, love and fear.
The dialogue with this spirit was one of back and forth. The spirit told me she can not make me go anywhere, that I had free will choice. She wanted to show me something and was inviting me to join her but something was preventing me from leaving. The ego was trying to scare me like it always has to never fully let go and trust in the universe and trust in myself. Consciously I wanted to go there, but unconsciously the ego was doing its best to keep me on the ground where it felt safe. The more I relaxed the easier it was to slip away from the dark and into the light.
At this point, I called upon Archangel Micheal, who is the protector of all warriors. I knew this was the name to call. I asked for him to take his blade and cut the soul cord that had been stretched out from the ego’s grasp. I felt his warm presence behind me, I envisioned him standing there with his blade, the dialogue continued and I was warned:
“Are you sure?”
“You can’t come back from this”
“You’ll never be the same”
“Is this want you really want?”
“Are you really sure?”
“Freewill choice Matt, just let go.”
Then some how something inside me, through the power of the spirits that were with me. I was able to just feel “yes”, and completely let go with my heart for the first time in my life, for real. I just fell into it with complete trust and faith to the spirits who were with me.
Then I felt it.
Micheal swiftly struck his blade, severing the binding cord between my soul and my ego.
I immediately began to purge.
I grabbed the vomit bag near by and began to purge not only the physical Ayahuasca I had ingested but also the energies of darkness, the ego, the fears, along with all that does not serve me. It all began to leave my etheric body in waves.
Consciously inside of myself I was witnessing the processing and purging of many specific aspects of who I am that were being brought to the surface. As they were brought to light, I could feel my internal circuitry being rewired by spirit. As the new information was being processed and integrated into my being. I was releasing many metaphysical energetic parasites that had developed in me throughout my life. My body would feel the release coming and then out it went, total purge style into the bag.
During the multiple purges it was very unpleasant, I was physically ill and I remember saying to myself multiple times that I would never do it to myself again. Every time I purged it was processing and releasing something different. With each succeeding purge I began to feel lighter and less sick as the messages/visions settled in.
Some of the messages that became hardwired into me during this experience was that:
I am nothing.
I know nothing and I am only here on this Earth temporarily.
That there is something so much bigger than myself that makes up this universe.
That I am very special and I am loved.
I am protected by this great spirit that holds all things together.
I don’t have to be afraid and I don’t have to be perfect, It’s okay for me to make mistakes.
I am human and there is divine beauty in the limitations I experience in this human form.
There truly is beauty in all things and I am a part of all these beautiful things, I am Love.
This spirit humbled the fuck out of me and made me realize on a core unconscious level that I am nothing without God/Spirit/Universe. I am this great life force and my pure amazingness is a divine gift that I should be expressing so much gratitude for on an always basis. The amazingness in my life is not something the ego did and has any right to take credit for. Every moment that I breathe is a fucking miracle, I’m only here for the ride. I can’t take credit for any of this magnificent beauty because it is beyond me. I am just a beautiful human and my purpose is to love and express myself as this unlimited life force/ source of creation that is unconditional love in all things.
Though it seemed like an eternity, As time elapsed I began to feel better and better. At about three or four hours after drinking I began to hear the sound of our shaman humming on a harmonica a calm and bright uplifting tune as he fanned feathers at us dancing backwards and forwards all throughout our sacred circle.
The energy he was bringing was a message to all, that all is well, we are safe and we are free. It was so liberating, he was catalyzing an awakening within us after encountering a very powerful spirit that did some very serious work on our souls. I know for many of my brothers and sisters around me they had some far more terrifying experiences facing their own demons. I feel fortunate to have been doing a lot of soul work leading up to this experience, I highly recommend having a fully prepared body, mind and soul going into this, you have to do the work to get the most from your time spent with Mother Ayahuasca.
Masculine Feminine Balance Soul Surrender
The balance between masculine and feminine polarities within myself is another healing that definitely took place. We live in a very unbalanced world where these polarities can over power one another. Our truth can be found in an equal balance between them both. My ego identified itself as masculine my whole life and my ego tried to drown the feminine side of me to protect myself from showing weakness. This created inner conflict as I have a very strong feminine essence as well as a masculine one. Ayahuasca has enabled me to let go and embrace that beautiful peace of me that is divine feminine. It also helped me to come to terms with my sexuality and past traumas. Without confusion I now am able to accept myself as love, now I naturally feel love for all things where as before I just couldn’t. I was numb to the world and scared to allow myself to become vulnerable.
There is no need to protect myself anymore.
I am protected by a higher power.
I am on the right path and I am free.
Flashes of Life Purpose
I did experience premonitions. Future probabilities and reassurance from spirit as to the details of my life purpose. Spirit reaffirmed what my soul has known all along but this time was able to add a layer of confidence, security and knowing to my purpose allowing me to fully embrace it. For years I have been chasing my life’s purpose but running away from it at the same time.
My past with LSD provided me with insight as to my life purpose and essentially I had gazed down the rabbit hole and was given a glimpse but not the full picture into knowing what I was meant for. It scared me, exhilarated me, burdened me and entranced me into a desperate ego race to become what I believed I was meant to become or else the world would fall around me.
I spun my wheels for years in misery attempting to piece the puzzle for meaning to this life. It wasn’t until the world truly did fall around me did I begin to step inline with my life purpose.
The problem was I could never take this sense of knowing with me. But this time Mother Ayahuasca showed me with a level of certainty and clarity a vision of what I was meant to do. It turns out my knowing was right all along. The ego was just in the way clouding my perception the entire time. She gave me the guidance, warnings and messages that I was ready to receive and I still have those messages in my heart.
I’m no longer lost in the wilderness of life. I know what to do and I know my purpose for existing here on this planet at this very moment. Having that understanding deeply embedded within one’s self is one of the most powerful valuable super powers a human can have. Being human never came with an instruction manual and we live in world where 99% of people are lost at sea and completely unaware they are drowning.
I am finally able to relax into my life enjoying the ride as I am in line with my purpose right now. Tapping into the true universal flow as opposed to striving for it as if it’s something in the future, tricking myself into working hard for it.
I now know my purpose involves inspiring my fellow humans to living at the most optimal existence possible and pushing those limits everyday. The more free and pure light individuals we have being the change they wan’t to see in the world the more contagious our light becomes.
The good things are coming and will keep coming. Have you noticed all the good things lately? Through focusing inward, learning to stand alone in life, and really doing the inner work. We are able to emerge as strong and whole beings of light and that’s when we begin to heal and help others just through being the divine spark that is you and only you. You Beautiful Human 🙂
The Healing Cleansing Ceremony
As time went on people gathered around the fire, I saw my light sisters Kat and Jane enjoying the energy of the flames so I decided to join them. I stood up and that’s when I realized my body forgot how to walk. my legs were rubber and I almost fell but I then managed to noodle walk my way to the fire.
I gave them a hug and soaked up their feminine energy which felt great after spending hours on the male side of our circle. We enjoyed sharing the energy of our crystals and the warm fire with our butts on the earthy ground as the cool morning air was settling dew.
About four or five in the morning our shaman commenced the healing/ cleansing part of our ceremony. First all the men gathered in a close touching circle with our shirts off. He proceeded to bless us with a combination of 7 different plants local to the shaman’s roots in Columbia.
Humming and chanting without skipping a beat he blessed everyone of us. It was an oil of some type and we were advised not to shower for at least a day as the medicine will still be working on your body. He thoroughly applied this to our arms, chest, back and hair.
Next the men were asked to return to their side of the sacred circle while the ladies were cleansed around the fire in the same manner. After the cleansing many of us stuck it out by the fire until the morning light, singing songs in spanish around the campfire and just feeding off the incredible energy that was coming from the gathering of these beautiful souls who came together to share in sacred medicine.
As the morning progressed we held a closing ceremony and then we enjoyed a delicious breakfast where I broke my 27 hour fast from solid food. I was so happy to finally eat! But most of all I was so happy to be free on a soul level! I felt light as a feather and I knew something serious taken place inside of me. I was not the same person. My light was really shining bright now.
Nearly 2 weeks later it has taken me to write this article and I still feel this way. Free as a bird from all the unconscious bullshit that does not serve me one bit, it’s out of here!
Would I Drink Ayahuasca Again?
I remember when I first began to feel sick. It was after the cord from the ego to the soul had been cut. It was as if the messages were being received and spirit was brightly shining beams of light onto many aspects of what and who I am.
The automatic stuff and new programming was being initialized. The old programming was being deleted, then through purging, Spirit and I together emptied the trash can of my soul. At this point I swore up and down I would never drink Ayahuasca again. At the time my insides felt horrible but my spirit was grateful for every moment of it, I’ve never expressed so much gratitude for being sick.
One of the most illusive aspects to utilizing psychedelic substances and one where Ayahuasca is an exception is the ability to bring back with you into your normal day reality the enlightenment that you found while under the influence of these substances.
You can eat 1000 micrograms of LSD and still wind up right where you were, no progress forward, I spun my wheels like this with LSD for so many years, round and round we go trying to grasp a hold of an answer to a question that doesn’t exist, when all I had to learn was to be present now. These days its a lot easier than it used to be, especially if you have the right tools and knowledge at your fingertips.
However with this sacred medicine of Ayahuasca it is completely different. It’s purpose is to heal you. I was thinking I may experience extreme visuals/visions of a whole different dimension than those of mushrooms and LSD. But it turned out to be the opposite for me at least this time with Ayahuasca that is. I still have only one Ayahuasca experience to reference. I find those substances mentioned to be much more hallucinogenic than the Ayahuasca. The Ayahuasca is a true teacher, medicine and healer. It actually talks to you, but not so much in words, you just know.
Now that I’ve experienced the whole thing from start to finish, I am curious to discover what my 2nd time with Mother Ayahuasca would bring about for my soul’s evolution.
I feel I would drink again, the next time very well could be something much more intense than the first time. I know a woman I talked to said her 2nd time was much harder to deal with than her first time, but of course was a very rewarding and healing experience by the end.
One thing is for sure, we will never be the same person in two different moments, subtly and gradually we are always growing, evolving, shedding old energies and blossoming into new ones.
The 2nd time you drink Ayahuasca you will without a doubt be a new person in that present moment, not the same one that drank Ayahuasca a year before. It will be a whole new you with a whole new set of lessons to learn and potential ailments to heal. But you can stay shining bright the whole time.
For a large majority of my life it has been very dark, embracing the light and allowing it to stay with you is not easy. I used to eat gobs of LSD, reach enlightenment and then watch it slip away over and over again in repetitive desperate unconscious ego missions. It turns out that any trip you want to take will always lead you to the same place and I found that the darkness still always had a way of creeping back in.
Where Ayahuasca is pure amazing is that it straight flushes that bullshit out out of your energetic body that it clings too, thus making it far less likely to find a way to creep back in and fuck with you. It has been about 13 days now since my experience and I’m still feeling healed and my life is unfolding in incredible unpredictable ways, its truly beautiful.
I do still have challenges in life. I am human now after all, but ever since this experience I’ve just been gliding through life in this magical harmonistic balanced flow that makes sense to my being. It’s such a new and refreshing feeling, I really feel alive and awake in my existence. I don’t see this change in me leaving anytime soon. I got this now, LEVEL UP!!!!
I’m just open to receive in so many ways now more than ever. My expectations are truly limitless. My love valve is open and flowing for the first time in my life. The intention I set for my Ayahuasca experience manifested; I am free from my ego. This is absolutely incredible on so many levels!
Once you get it, you wonder how could you have ever not got it for all those years. It’s all so simple once you have arrived. Getting to that point is where the true challenge lies. The ego is clouding the way for most people and they just cant see it on their own. But that doesn’t mean all hope is lost because many souls have awakened and more continue to awaken everyday as we shine our own brilliant divine light from within.
Through plant medicines such as Ayahuasca there is true healing embodied from within.
Being human on this planet in it’s current time you are bound to have picked up a lot of energy from outside of your self. These illusions create false identities within our ego. The false identities will fight to the death to be heard out, to be seen and manifested. And it is all merely an illusion until the veil is lifted and you see whats beyond every other veil that has been lifted.
You see the illusions for what they are and begin to know what is real, establishing a stable grounding from that which you can spring forth into a new walk of light as an unstoppable, unlimited creator capable of anything.
A True Warrior of the Light.
Months Later: The Ebb and Flow of The Ego
Every word up to this point was written within the following three weeks after my experience with Ayahuasca. The words you are now reading are being written approximately four months later.
Though I wish I could tell you that my ego is completely out of my life, I have come to accept that my ego will always have a part to play in my life as long as I am living in this 3rd dimensional human body.
The good news however is that I am no longer at the mercy of my ego and I am free of the ego’s grasp more than ever before in my life but I do still have work to do.
Though I wish I could say I am completely free from my ego, I have had my moments since my first experience with Ayahuasca in which my ego would run rampant finding myself in either manic or depressive states on the extreme cases.
On the less extreme cases I would find myself making judgments towards other people, situations and my surroundings that reinforces separation from the one whole consciousness that we are. Sometime life gets a hold of you and we revert back to our old programming but over time and through the use of Ayahuasca we are deprogramming this and finding our way back to TRUTH.
The awesome thing is for the most part I am in control of it in ways never before possible, and if I do lose control of it for a little bit it’s totally cool, its just a test from the higher self. 🙂
When the ego does resurface it is for divine lessons that I need to be taught. I know this, understand this and accept this allowing my ego to relax rather than resist as it always would before in a frantic search of what was missing, what was wrong and what needed to be fixed.
My ability to just be and let be has allowed for my life to unfold before me in ways never before possible. My channel is wide open and allowing for divine miracle and divine miracle to manifest into my life on the daily.
Things are going so well for me it’s insane to look back at how badly I used to struggle in my life. It really is as if the gods are looking right after me, opening doors and shining down before me a divine path. I am finally on the right path for the first time ever in my existence and it just gets better and better everyday that I arise, but it is still life and it’s not easy.
I am grateful as fuck to finally be where I am today and stoked beyond reason for the magic that is unfolding into the unknown that is the rest of my human existence here on planet Earth.
As awesome as this sounds, Life still isn’t perfect and I accept it never will be.
Thus I have chosen to drink Ayahuasca a second time to further my soul’s evolution. I will soon be releasing an article on that experience; be sure to stay connected with me on Facebook so you don’t miss it.
My hope is that this writing has inspired you and given you hope.
You are the creator of your life, you have the power and control to be free. I believe in you and I love you. Thank you so very much for taking the time to enlighten yourself with this read.
If this writing touched you I encourage you to share this with the people you love and feel free to share your own experiences, thoughts and discussion in the comments below.
Believe in the good things coming my friend. 🙂
“Jedi Light Warrior”